I’m a high school junior, so I’m signing up to get pregnant and save civilization
Imagined internal monologue (Mothers' Day edition)
“On April 9 podcaster Katie Miller, wife of White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller, lamented on X that teen births are down 72%. ‘Our biological destiny is to have babies,’ she wrote. That same day, Fox News medical analyst Marc Siegel called it a “problem” that the birth rate for girls aged 15-19 has plummeted in the past couple of decades.” – Salon
I’m making a big decision. They say birth rates are too low and soon we’ll be a country where everyone is old, poor, and sad. Not enough young people to work and support the old people, not enough people to join the military, that type of thing. All because teenagers aren’t having babies any more.
Have you listened to Katie Miller? She says we shouldn’t “slave behind desks chasing careers while our civilization dies.” Mom says Katie Miller’s a grifter and her husband’s a fascist ghoul who wants to kick millions of people out of the country. Which kind of defeats the babymaking campaign? But Katie seems pretty smart to me, maybe someone to listen to…she’s got a master’s degree and has had a whole string of important government jobs. Without desks, I guess.
Then there’s a doctor on Fox News. He says we should have kids young because too many things will get in the way of having healthy babies when we’re older—things like obesity, polycystic ovaries, and ultra processed food.
I ran this by Mrs. Calhoun, my Bio teacher. She really wants me to finish high school. She says that teenage pregnancy is riskier than for adults—hemorrhage, fistula, maternal death, on and on, pretty gross, so I had to stop listening after awhile. Honestly, this pregnancy thing sounds like no picnic at any age. I’m thinking I’ll take my chances now, so I won’t have to worry about my ovaries or my addiction to Cool Ranch Doritos down the road.
Dr. Fox News also thinks girls shouldn’t wait till they have a stable life situation, financial security, and the right partner. That’s definitely on point. Most people my age figure they’ll never be able to afford a house or child care or health care anyway. And no, I won’t wait around for the “right partner.” Mrs. Calhoun says in most teen pregnancies the father is over 20. She says that like it’s a bad thing. I guess it is kind of perv, and technically rape in some cases. But it sure couldn’t be any boys my age. Ew. I’ll have to work out who the father would be, and how to deal with the whole STD thing (okay, Mrs. Calhoun). Details.
Some of my friends make fun of me for wanting to be a tradwife. Far from it; those bitches have husbands with money, or else they are totally fucking miserable. No thanks, no chickens or prairie bonnets for me.
Mom loves babies, so I’m sure she’ll warm up to the pregnancy idea and help me out. She always says I was the best thing that ever happened to her, even though she was only 17 herself. I’ll get work on a shift opposite hers so we won’t need daycare. I can help take care of Grammy too. A win-win for us all.
Grammy says in her day teenage girls who got pregnant were considered “sluts” and had their “reputations” ruined. But back then, no one realized civilization depends on girls’ life choices in high school. So if I can help the whole birth rate situation by having a baby, I say why not? I can’t think of anything better, practically speaking. I’ll overcome the hurdles, just like Mom did. It’s the least I can do.
Jennifer Thomas is an environmentalist, speculative fiction writer, and occasional New Liberator contributor. You can read some of her stories at jenniferthomas.net.
In the spirit of the feminist and anti-war holiday, what a great story for Mothers Day 2026! No matter what we lose, we still have our sense of humor.
This is hilarious (sort of at least). A year ago I had never heard of the word "natalism". I thought the idea of having babies for the good of 'blood and soil' was long gone, never to return. Thanks to Jennifer for clearing this up and reminding me of the glorious nature of teen pregnancy. I suppose we could make it easier for folks to have and raise children for those who want to with radical solutions like affordable day care, health care, welcoming multiple ways of having families, etc....oh, foolish me.