If It Isn’t One Thing, It’s Your Mother
We need simple answers in these confusing times
Following the Trump Administration’s September 22 press conference on autism, our correspondent stumbled into a Signal chat between the White House, the Department of Health and Human Services, and the ghost of Charlie Kirk. A summary of the key points follows.
Who remembers psychologist Bruno Bettelheim’s theory that autism was caused by cold, unfeeling moms (a.k.a. “Refrigerator Mothers”)? Plenty of parents of autistic children in the 1960s do. Wracked with guilt. But that was so long ago! (Or should we revisit that one? “Debunked” is usually code for “the left doesn’t like it.”)
Anyway, the President and Bobby nailed it today announcing the causes of autism: Moms who took Tylenol while pregnant. (Cubans and Amish don’t have Tylenol, and they don’t have autism either. Could it be any clearer?) Also moms who got their babies vaccinated. (“Too much liquid, too many different things, at too big a number”). Instead of Refrigerator Mothers, let’s call them “Pharmaceutical Mothers” (or PharMas, for short).
Boldly dispensing with wishy-washy statements in the HHS press release on the topic, POTUS urged PharMas to only take Tylenol if they can’t “tough it out” through pain or fever. “I’ll say it,” he said, about taking Tylenol. “It’s not good.” He wisely avoided obscure topics like risks of maternal fever to a fetus, and cut to the chase. “When the alternative is that nothing bad can happen, let’s do it now.” Medical degree, schmedical degree! If anyone’s skeptical, ChatGPT can provide scientific-ish citations to support the President’s advice.
Bobby had promised the American people he’d reveal the causes of autism by September. Promises made, promises kept! While we’re on a roll, we shouldn’t miss the chance to Momify other seemingly intractable problems, ideally in the months before the “midterm elections.” Here’s a timeline and some draft talking points for advising moms:
Obesity (by November). All those times you sent your husband out for Kentucky Fried Chicken and butter pecan ice cream to satisfy your pregnancy cravings…what did you think would happen, as your unborn baby floated around receiving all the sugar and fat and salt molecules? Did you think he or she would just forget about all that deliciousness post-birth? No wonder everyone’s fat now. It’s common sense, people. Next time reach for the raw milk and an organic orange.
Gender confusion (by February) LGBTQQIP2SAA…so many letters! When you were 8.5 months pregnant and felt like a giant lumbering cow, did you ever look at a slim young woman in heels at the mall, or maybe Taylor Swift in her underwear, and think, God, she’s hot? That’s where it starts. Those types of thoughts seep right into the cells of the unborn child, so that at age six or so he or she or “they” starts sorting through all the letters as if they were stamped on a secret decoder ring. Same thing happens if you attend Shakespeare plays while pregnant, what with all the cross-dressing and gender-bending going on. It’s not good. Avoid.
Gun violence (by June). No doubt, you’ve allowed your children to go places where mass shootings are known to happen, such as public schools, private schools, religious schools, college campuses, parks, churches, synagogues, temples, mosques, restaurants, malls, big box stores, warehouses, post offices, movie theaters, concerts, bowling alleys, nightclubs, military bases, streets, sidewalks, and interstate highways. You’ve likely also failed to warn them of the risks of going up the wrong driveway or playing Ding Dong Ditch at the homes of cranky old men with guns. None of this is good. Consider homeschooling. After “school” you’ll want them home playing Call of Duty and chatting with their friends on Discord, or in the case of girls, watching unboxing videos on TikTok. Better safe than sorry.
The whole Gaza situation (by September). Gaza moms, how can you let your children be present at schools, apartment buildings, neonatal intensive care units, and food lines? You know the bad guys use children as human shields in those places. So it can’t be a surprise when the little ones are shot/bombed/burned/dismembered/starved. Please, mothers of Gaza, keep your children out of harm’s way, and give peace a chance.
That should be plenty before the “elections”—ambitious but achievable. The President will be a shoo-in for not only the Nobel Peace Prize but also the Nobel Prize in Healthy Again, which is what America will be. PharMas, and mothers everywhere, you might feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. That’s because you do. But whatever you do, don’t take Tylenol. Tough it out, ladies.
Jennifer Thomas is an environmentalist and speculative fiction writer. You can read some of her stories at https://www.jenniferthomas.net.